I awoke the next morning feeling a sharp jabbing pain continuously occurring to my right shoulder. I had been sleeping on my side all night. The sounds of birds calls brought a peaceful feeling to my heart. It made me feel as if, for this one moment, I could rest and enjoy my time alone. Of course I still couldn’t fully enjoy it because the sharp jabbing feeling was still happening. I then realized I wasn’t alone when I heard a little boy’s voice from behind me. My heart pumped iron once again.
“Hey mister, are you alive!” I turned my body to face a little boy holding a stick. He was a small Caucasian child with red stained lips and ruffled hair.
“Yeah, unfortunately I’m still alive,” I replied. He seemed unimpressed. “Who are you, and what are you doing here?”
“That’s a funny question, mister. I should be asking you that. You are trespassing in grounds of Nain City.”
“Nain City,” I replied. “What’s Nain City?” Keep in mind I have lived in this part of New Jersey all my life and I have never heard of a Nain City.
“Yes, Nain City. This is a midget community, made for midgets only.”
“So that must mean you are---”
“Yeah, exactly. So why are you here?”
“I drove here accidentally and I was being chased by cops from here,” I said while looking around as I was getting off the floor. “This doesn’t exactly look like a city, little kid.”
He laughs at me, as if I was the naïve child, “Every city has a countryside, silly. Even New York City has New York State right? This is the country side region of Nain City.”
“Region? How big is this place exactly?”
“Ehh, it’s several square miles. They just try to make this place seem as realistic as possible.”
“Oh, I see. How come I’ve never heard of this place before?”
“No one that isn’t government issued a warrant to live here is allowed to know of its existence. In other words, you’re not supposed to be here, and people will soon be looking for you. But none of that matters now that your here. I need your help with something.” The adorable, yet knowledgeable little boy turns and begins to run.
I ran after him hoping to figure out more about Nain City. “Wait, little kid! Where we going? And what’s your name? I don’t even know your name.”
The boy continued to run into the thick of the woods and said, “We have to help my parents and my sister. We need to go save them.”
“Help them with what?”
“Do you smell that?” Just then I noticed a burning smell laying siege upon both of my nostrils. It smelled like something was burning.
“Yeah, what the hell is that?”
“It’s my house. It’s on fire. My dad, mom and sister are still in there and I can’t get in. I told them I’d get help and since I’ve found you, you need to help me get them out alive. Don’t worry we’re almost there. It’s just behind that big oak tree up ahead.”
His house in on fire and he wasted the time to try and wake me up and give me information about this place? This kid is really weird. Nevertheless after passing the big red oak, there it was. The small white house was slowly being engulfed in flames. The little boy and I rushed toward the house, up the stairs and to the front door.
“Listen, all three of them are trapped on the second floor of the house. The fire is coming from the kitchen, so try and avoid it. When you get onto the second floor it should be the last door to your left. They are in there drinking water and trying to keep cool. Call out to them before you barge into the room, they are easily frightened. Just try and get them all out at the same time. Hurry, we don’t have much time.”
I went for the door but the knob was stuck and wouldn’t twist. “How the hell am I supposed to get in now?
“Come on! You’ve watched movies haven’t you? Kick the door down.”
You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me! Putting each of my hands on the railings I leaned my body backward and lift my right foot off the floor and kick the door clean off its hinges. The smoke ambushes my body once I enter and in the distance I hear the little boy say, “Cover you mouth. What good would you be to me if you pass out?” Covering my mouth with my arm I made my way up the stairs. There was a diagonal pattern of picture frames on the wall. Each picture was of the children smiling and posing on various beaches and monuments. The boy that led me to the house was pictured in most of them. In this one it showed him at the Statue of Liberty with his sister making bunny ears on each other and sticking their sticking tongues out. One immature gesture complimented by another. This is the true illustration of innocence. They both remind me so much of my little sister, Serenity.
I proceeded up the stairs and enter the hallway with cerulean wallpaper. I approach the last door to the left and remember the little boy’s warning. “Hello? Um, hi, I’m here to save you. Your little son told me to that you were trapped up here. Hello?”
A little hole opened up from the door. Through the glass piece came an image of a giant eye. The person’s eye was magnified from the glass to make it look bigger than it actually was. A man’s voice came from the door, “What do you mean little?”
You have to be kidding me. “You son is a child. That’s what I meant by little. No hard feelings, sir. I just need you all to come out of the room so I can take you out of the house.” It started to get hot in the room that I was it, and I could tell the fire was making its way to my location.
“Well thank you, but we can’t leave…”
“What do you mean you can’t leave? Let’s go, the fire is about to come this way! We’ll all be torched alive.”
“Naïve boy! I mean we can’t leave because we are unable to leave. The door is stuck, and God knows I can’t open it.”
I felt so stupid. “Ok, step back please. Get away from the door.” I kicked down the door just like the first and saw three people in the room. One was the man I was speaking to. He was also a midget and he wore Bavarian styled overalls, a matching hat, and brown boots. He had a Mario and Luigi mustache to cap off his unusual style. There were also two women in the room with him. The older looking one must be his wife. She had long jet black hair that reached her waist. The daughter wore her black hair in pig-tails. Come to think about it, they all were wearing Bavaria styled clothing. The Luigi looking midget put one foot on the door, lifted his open palm adjacent to his face and said, “Welcome boy! It’s so nice of you to drop by.”
“Let’s go, you three. We need to get out of here before we get caught in the fire. I have to get all three of you out of here as quickly as possible. In order for me to do that I need to give one of you a piggy-back ride. As for the other two, hold my hand as we go down the stairs. Young lady in the pig-tails, step on the bed and hop on my shoulders.” The daughter crawled onto the bed and hopped onto my shoulders just as I requested. “Ok, now you two give me your hands,” I said reaching out to both parents. They gladly take my hand and I guide all of them down the smoke filled house. “Cover your mouths!” I reach the door and saw the silhouette of the little boy. Exiting the house I saw a plethora of mini fire trucks accompanied with mini firemen holding mini hoses. I drop the little girl safely on her feet and witness their family hug.
“Oh, I’m so glad you are ok Daniel! Thank you for getting us help,” the mother says to the little boy. So Daniel was his name after all. “You are so wonderful, Daniel. You are a true gift from God. This isn’t the first time you have come through for us, love.”
“This isn’t the first time?”
A fireman stops next to me and says, “The first time? You should try ninth time. This is their tenth house since moving here from Wisconsin. Yeah, they are just a bunch of clumsy motherfuckers. The father, Mr. Wellington, is a scientist here at Nain City. He actually was asked to live her. It was a government issued request. He’s the best at what he does he’s just clumsy as hell.”
Just as if my day couldn’t get weirder five cop cars pull up and I am greeted by a symphony of sirens and doors opening and slamming. Jeremy steps out of one of the vehicles. He’s wearing white bandages wrapped around his head and didn’t seem too happy to see me. Accompanying him was the same group of cops from the night before. Jeremy screams, “There that asshole is! He’s the one that torched this place.”
“Hey Jeremy,” I begun. “How you doin’ buddy? By the way, how on earth did you hurt your head. I don’t remember hitting you on the head. Hell, I don’t remember much from last night,” I said laughingly, knowing full and well I was lying.
Looking unimpressed Jeremy screams back, “When you kicked me last night, I fell to the floor and hit my head on the gravel! You are as good as dead, asshole!”
The fireman approached Jeremy. “Hold on a moment. What is the matter? This man didn’t commit any crimes. Yes it’s true that he is trespassing but he saved these three from the fire. He clearly doesn’t have anything against us. He isn’t trying to cause any trouble. I’m sure he just wants to go home to his family.” Jeremy looked shocked when he heard that I had risked my life in a fire to save three of his kind. For a moment I thought the fireman completely understood how I felt until he said, “However, he cannot go back home to his family even if he wanted to. Come on Jeremy, you remember the prophecy.”
The prophecy? “Hold on, why can’t I go home? And what the fuck is the prophecy? I didn’t realize I stepped into the fuckin’ Matrix, Morphious. I didn’t agree to shit.”
Ignoring my worried sense of humor the fireman continued reminding the other spectators about something. “Come on, you all haven’t forgotten, have you? The Sactuary of St. Jude? The prophecy mural in the church?” As if it were scripted the people all simultaneously omit a myriad of ow’s and ah’s in remembrance. “Exactly! That is why we can’t hurt him. Bishop Riley would kill us if anything happened to him. You know what to do.” I like that religious irony, Mr. Fireman.
Jeremy, now smiling, put his gun away and turned his attention to me and said, “Hey buddy, do you want to see Nain City?”
“Why the sudden change of heart, Jeremy? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain on the way. Get in the back. By the way, what’s your name?”
“Stanley Lumbart.”
“Stanley? I’ll call you Lord Stanley.”
The vehicle must have been the size of a smart car, if not smaller. “Are you sure this car is big enough to fit me in it?”
“Trust me, you’ll be fine.” Jeremy turns to a fellow cop behind him, “Felicia, pull the sunroof back.”
As I sat in the car I felt absolutely ridiculous in every way, shape and form. I felt like those clowns from the circuses who stuffed their bodies into a car, almost resembling a Mexican bus ride. The worst part about the car ride was that my head shot out of the sun roof and I had two midgets sitting next me. There’s nothing wrong with midgets it’s just I couldn’t move and neither could they. Their bodies were slammed against the window and I’m sure one of them was dead and the other was quite clearly suffocating because I could hear him desperately gasping for air. “So what is this prophecy, Jeremy?”
Jeremy looked into the rear view mirror with his baby aviators, “Well, I don’t like to beat around the bush so I’m just going to say it. We believe that you are our God.” I began laughing hysterically. The hysterical laughter then quickly turned into coughing.
“I’m sorry, but did you say God?”
“Yes, we believe that you are the messiah that has come to salvage the people of Nain City and bring us everlasting peace, love and liberty.”
“Dude, I’m just a human being. I’m not a walking constitution.”
“No, listen. We believe that you are the messiah that has come here to give us political and capital enlightenment,” he begun. The sign on the side of the road said, Business District: 2 miles. “We believe you have come here to be the mediator between us and the other secret cities of this great country.”
“Secret cities?”
“Oh yes. The American people have been swayed to believe that our countries greatest secrets lie in Area 51, but our countries greatest secret actually resides in front of people’s noses. They would never expect to look there, unless of course they are a drunken idiot such as yourself.”
“Guilty as charged,” I reply.
“I’m joking. You aren’t an idiot, you’re our king. Your purpose is to contact each and every secret city in our country and ready an attack on the normal people of this country. We will no longer stand around and be forced into hiding by the United States Government. Enough is enough and you have come to help us. There are currently twenty-five secret cities in each state ready and armed. They have been waiting on us for quite some time now.”
“Why in the hell would I help you kill my own people, and why are these other cities waiting for you?” We finally enter the business district of the city. There are innumerable amounts of stores and restaurants on the street and everything was miniature. They had mini McDonald’s, mini Walgreen’s, mini Hilton’s, mini police departments, mini fire departments, a mini Eifel Tower and even mini churches. The sign read: Main Street. Figures as much.
“Because you have no choice. You fit the description of our messiah that has been here since the beginning of time. Each and every secret city has their own prophecy and once they find their own messiah they ready an army of soldiers and await for the next city to do the same. We are the last city to not have a messiah, and now that we found you we can initiate the next phase of our plan. We need you to ready us for the takeover.”
“Ok, hold on. This is all a little too much to take in at once. Look, I haven’t eaten in a while. Can you pull into this place right here please? I’m starving, you hungry Jeremy?” We pull into a miniature Wendy’s and immediately enter the drive-thru. “I’ll handle this Jeremy.”
He seemed confused. Nevertheless a woman’s voice came from the drive-thru speaker asking me, “Hello and welcome to Wendy’s! Can I take your order?”
“Umm, yes,” I begun. By the way, why the hell doe everyone say, “Umm, yes” before giving their order to a fast food drive-thru worker? I never quite understood that. “Can I have a twenty piece chicken nugget meal with fries and a coke? Give me some barbeque sauce with that too, I freakin’ love bbq. Oh, and let me get four kids’ meals for my little friends in here, but make sure they all get the toy with the kids’ meal.” Jeremy turned to me with a vicious stare and flipped me the birdie.
The woman obliged and Jeremy intercepted. “Actually, erase the four kids’ meal. Let me have four bacon double cheese burgers with extra ketchup and four Dr. Pepper’s. Make all those orders with biggie fries as well.”
“Biggie Fries, Jeremy? You sure you can handle those?”
Jeremy ignored the short remark and continued down the drive-thru to the pick-up window.
We ate our food off the trunk of Jeremy’s car in the Wendy’s parking lot. Though my hunger was slowly being satisfied, my curiosity still wasn’t. “So you say you need a messiah, huh,” I ask still chewing my nuggets.
“Yes we really do,” replied Jeremy. “Of course we aren’t using you. We truly believe you are our savior. You will be treated like a king. Anything you want, whenever you want it. No questions asked.”
“Ok, well the first order I have for you is to bring my sexy ass angel here. Her name is Paulina Stevens. She lives not too far from here. Just several miles out of Nain City.”
“We can’t do that,” Jeremy says with a mouthful of biggies. “Normal people aren’t allowed here. What if she wants to leave here one day? We can’t afford to take such a gamble. If our plan gets out, we’re fucked. And besides all normal girls are going to die as soon as you we take over. Why not find yourself a nice midget-chick?” I tensed up inside of the thought of that. The fat blonde cop across from me, who’s been eying up my crispy chicken nuggets ever since she devoured her bacon double cheeseburger in record-breaking time, gave me a seduction wink and shrugged her shoulders. Little Ms. Piggy still had ketchup slowly falling from her cheek to her lips and she licked it off in an attempt to arouse my interest.
That’s just nasty.
“Get real, Jeremy. Who am I supposed to screw then? You can’t tell me you’re not a Pamela Anderson fan.”
“She’s ok. I’m a big fan of Bridgett the Midget though. Now that’s some hot ass. I’d like to take her and just—”
“Ok, Jeremy I fuckin’ get it. Relax yourself, R. Kelly. I’m still eating,” I said chewing French fries. “Ok, so I’ll agree to be your messiah as long as you save me a hot normal chick while you’re exterminating the entire United States. Deal?”
Jeremy laughs. “Ok, you got yourself a deal. Hurry and finish your food. I have to take you somewhere important before I take you to your new home.”
Fifteen minutes later we arrive at this eerie looking place. It’s a cave with a countless amount of candles surrounding its entrance. What assisted the initial creepiness is when I saw eight men in brown, cult-like hoods exiting the church. They approach the car to greet us. One of the hooded men comes forward and drops his hood to show off his bald, shiny head. “Oh my lord,” he says. His eyelids widen greatly in astonishment. “Jeremy, you are excellent. Is this man the man I think he is? There is no other reason you would be bringing me a normal unless it was a good reason, correct?”
Jeremy proudly says, “Yes, Bishop Riley. This is indeed the man you think he is.”
As those words escaped Jeremy’s mouth, all eight of the robed men drop to their knees with one arm crossing their chests. What’s going on?
“The heavens shine down on us today, everyone. Our wonderful messiah has come to fulfill the prophecy and forever restore our dignity within the human race,” says the bald bishop.
“I know now what the prophecy is but I have no idea where you guys are getting your references from. Where are you getting this prophecy from? And why do you all strongly believe in it.”
“Oh yes! Of course, of course. You haven’t seen the chapel of St. Jude.”
“What chapel? All I see is a sketchy looking cave.”
“Inside the cave is a chapel. Come with me.”
The chapel was lit by candle light, as the outside was lit. The light from the candles reflected off the walls creating an illustrious yellow that filled the whole chapel. There were two sections of seating, each containing fifteen rows of fifteen seats. The chapel also had instruments and a golden podium that matched the light of the room. The chapel has a very cult-like ambience to it and it scares the living shit out of me. The bishop leads me down the center aisle pointing at the wall. “That is our reference, sir. It is a mural of a tall man guiding three smaller men out of a fire. If I am correct, you must have saved three people from a fire today, am I correct?” I shake my head in agreement. “Ah, so the prophecy says that a normal would walk through our grounds and save three people from a fire. That person is then supposed to lead us to the pinnacle and peak of our civilizations history. That person is supposed to help us take over the country. It would be a takeover of the ages. Also on each of the four corners of the chapel we found a letter. The letters arranged into D-I-O-S. Dios is God in Spanish. That in itself explains everything.”
“Ok, but what happens to all the messiahs after the takeover is successful?”
“We ship you all on vacation, simple as that. You’re free to come back anytime you please.”
“That sounds safe. And what of the people? What will their reaction of my arrival be?” I liked how my speech changed. I watch too much damn tv.
“I am not sure yet. The faithful church attendees will be on your side. The only concern I have is that we have been waiting for you for so long that the people grew restless. Some of them have forgotten our goal and they just want to continue living in the shadow of the world.”
“That sounds trouble-some but I will try to reassure the people and steer them back on track. Alright. I’m fully convinced as long as I get whatever I want and when I want it. Thank you for the explanation, Bishop. Jeremy, take me to my new home you were talking about.”
My new house was brand new. It was untouched and completely clean. It was gigantic and I could immediately tell they have been planning for the day a normal came into Nain City. It was quite weird if you ask me.
I ran straight to the bed and jump right on; temperpedic. These people know their shit.
Jeremy then claps his hands four times in an iambic pentameter and a countless amount of people come out of the next room, all Nain City natives. I sit up on my bed and laugh. This is insane. “Ok, I’m going to need you all to wear togas. And get grapes. A lot of grapes.”
Jeremy stepped forward, “But what about the takeover?”
“Easy, settle down Jeremy. Go out and see how many people are willing to follow me and give me the report tomorrow. We will pick things back up in the morning.
The next day came and I look at the clock. It reads six o’clock p.m. I slept through the morning and everyone was waiting around in togas, just as I had wished. A woman was standing next to my bed, grapes in hand, ready to feed me breakfast. Jeremy storms into the room and he stops to catch his breath. “Jeremy, what wrong?”
“We have two big problems on our hands. These are really big problems! The first one is the people have heard of your arrival. The faithful are outside your house rallying at the moment, but there are protesters and rioters picking fights with the faithful. The city is split in two! The other problem is there is an intruder! The surveillance unit has confirmed that it is a little girl. What should we do? We need your help.”
“Ok first off, gather all the faithful and get ready to kill all of those who oppose me. Arm every faithful with a gun and ready them for battle. Do I have a black ops unit?”
“Yes you do.”
“Send them in!” Three guys walk in dressed head to toe in black attire and I recognize them. “Snap! Krackle! Pop! What’s up guys? I didn’t know you were the black ops group!” They didn’t seem too excited to be there. “Go out and capture the girl. Bring her to me. I want her alive.” “Jeremy, go arm the men! I will not be defied.”
I sat on my bed and slowly watch the clock strike eleven o’ clock in my bed drinking wine and eating grapes. Jeremy sprints back in almost hitting the floor and says, “Sir, we’re ready whenever you want us to attack.”
“Attack at day break. Anyone who opposes will be killed and crushed.” Jeremy leaves without a word.
Snap comes through the door with a grin on his face. “We’ve got her, sir. The little devil was full of tricks. She quite the clever one, I must say.” Following Snaps entrance comes Krackle and Pop both holding a part of the girl. They drop her to her feet and her hair covers her face. My heart nearly skips when she looks up at me. It was my sister, Serenity!
She took one look at me and screamed, “Stanley! I’ve been looking all over for you!” She charges the bed gives me a hug.
“Snap, Krackle, Pop, leave. You’re dismissed. Go back to your posts.” They exit and I ask Serenity, “How did you know where to find me?”
“This Paulina girl came to our house and told us she saw your car crash near here. She actually told mom and dad but they didn’t seem too interested. So that’s why I came to save you. I want you to come back home, Stanley. I miss you. I love you. I know that the only reason you considered staying here was because you didn’t feel wanted at home. This place made you feel like you are wanted and I understand why you are so drawn to it. But I still love you. Forget mom and dad, you can just hang out with me. I don’t care about your drinking problem. I don’t care if you were responsible for Hope and Bliss’s death. You are my brother and the only sibling I have left. Please come home, Stanley!”
Tears welled from my eyes and I grabbed her shirt tightly. A wave of morose and happiness washed over me and I knew what I had to do. I have a responsibility as an older brother before anything else. She needs me way more than these people need me. “Ok, Serenity. I will come home with you. Let’s go.” I took off my toga and put on my normal street attire without hesitation. My clothes still reek of cheap booze and alcohol. I grab Serenity’s hand and we ran out to the main road. The place was empty because the faithful were rallying with Jeremy, for the next day. “How is my sweet and beautiful Paulina?”
Serenity laughs with a sense of cynical satire and says, “Paulina? That Cow? She’s nice and all but she’s so fat. You could take chucks from her and make another person! Hahaha. Please tell me we are talking about different Paulinas.”
“I’m afraid she’s the only one I know.” I began to blush because Serenity continued to laugh at me.
“That’s what you get for drinking like crazy, Stanley.” She was right. God I need to stop drinking so damn much. I’m going to try and give up alcohol all together.
We crossed the street and saw a man in a car that greeted me, “Lord Stanley! How are you tonight?”
“I’m in a hurry, I need your car!” I take the keys from his hands and place Serenity into the back of the car. “I’m sorry the car is so small, Serenity.” She chuckled.
The man waved happily from the curb, “You’re such a nice man.” Jesus Christ. These people who believe in me are fuckin’ fools.
I drove the car successfully out of the business district and into the wilderness of Nain City. Pave road turned into country dirt roads. I began to speed up when I saw the exit ahead but three small dark figures jumped from the trees and I slammed on the brakes. Snap steps forward and says, “Halt! Who go’s there?” He chuckles at his own failed attempt at humor. The others join in. “Who are you, and what is your business for leaving?”
I turn to the back seat of the car, “Serenity, cover your eyes please.” She obeys. And I floor it through the country road hitting all three Krispie brothers in the process. We hit the street and made our way home finally.
Serenity wraps her arms around me from the backseat, “I love you, Stanley. Thank you for coming home with me.”
A week later I awoke from my deep slumber to my sister at my bedroom door. “Wake up, silly. Today is the day you are taking me to the Bronx Zoo and the Museum of Modern Art. We can’t be late.”
I rise from my bed and make my way down the stairs. I kiss my parents good morning and make my way to the kitchen counter to fix myself some cereal. Ironically I had a bowl of Lucky Charms. My sister, eager as ever and fully prepared, went to go watch Spongebob Square-pants in the living room. My mother, sipping her coffee as she always does, says, “Stanley, the newspaper is on the table just the way you like it.”
My father exits the bathroom and says, “Yeah, and today’s top story article is insane. I think you’ll get a kick out of that,” he says while adjusting his tie. My parents have been nicer to me ever since I decided to go to rehab. Dr. Winehouse has been a big help for the last week. I sat down at the table with my bowl of lucky blissfulness in hand. I pull out the front pages of the newspaper from its translucent blue sleeve and read the title page out loud. “Midget City Civil War. Secret cities around the country plot an onslaught of attacks against the people of the United States. U.S. government gets involved, shutting down these secret locations and stopping the civil war at its root.” My heart stops and I begin to sweat profusely.
My mother looks at me and says, “That wasn’t too far from us, you know. Oh God, what is the world coming to?”
I regained composure and began breathing regularly once again. Alcohol really is dangerous after all.
“Hey mister, are you alive!” I turned my body to face a little boy holding a stick. He was a small Caucasian child with red stained lips and ruffled hair.
“Yeah, unfortunately I’m still alive,” I replied. He seemed unimpressed. “Who are you, and what are you doing here?”
“That’s a funny question, mister. I should be asking you that. You are trespassing in grounds of Nain City.”
“Nain City,” I replied. “What’s Nain City?” Keep in mind I have lived in this part of New Jersey all my life and I have never heard of a Nain City.
“Yes, Nain City. This is a midget community, made for midgets only.”
“So that must mean you are---”
“Yeah, exactly. So why are you here?”
“I drove here accidentally and I was being chased by cops from here,” I said while looking around as I was getting off the floor. “This doesn’t exactly look like a city, little kid.”
He laughs at me, as if I was the naïve child, “Every city has a countryside, silly. Even New York City has New York State right? This is the country side region of Nain City.”
“Region? How big is this place exactly?”
“Ehh, it’s several square miles. They just try to make this place seem as realistic as possible.”
“Oh, I see. How come I’ve never heard of this place before?”
“No one that isn’t government issued a warrant to live here is allowed to know of its existence. In other words, you’re not supposed to be here, and people will soon be looking for you. But none of that matters now that your here. I need your help with something.” The adorable, yet knowledgeable little boy turns and begins to run.
I ran after him hoping to figure out more about Nain City. “Wait, little kid! Where we going? And what’s your name? I don’t even know your name.”
The boy continued to run into the thick of the woods and said, “We have to help my parents and my sister. We need to go save them.”
“Help them with what?”
“Do you smell that?” Just then I noticed a burning smell laying siege upon both of my nostrils. It smelled like something was burning.
“Yeah, what the hell is that?”
“It’s my house. It’s on fire. My dad, mom and sister are still in there and I can’t get in. I told them I’d get help and since I’ve found you, you need to help me get them out alive. Don’t worry we’re almost there. It’s just behind that big oak tree up ahead.”
His house in on fire and he wasted the time to try and wake me up and give me information about this place? This kid is really weird. Nevertheless after passing the big red oak, there it was. The small white house was slowly being engulfed in flames. The little boy and I rushed toward the house, up the stairs and to the front door.
“Listen, all three of them are trapped on the second floor of the house. The fire is coming from the kitchen, so try and avoid it. When you get onto the second floor it should be the last door to your left. They are in there drinking water and trying to keep cool. Call out to them before you barge into the room, they are easily frightened. Just try and get them all out at the same time. Hurry, we don’t have much time.”
I went for the door but the knob was stuck and wouldn’t twist. “How the hell am I supposed to get in now?
“Come on! You’ve watched movies haven’t you? Kick the door down.”
You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me! Putting each of my hands on the railings I leaned my body backward and lift my right foot off the floor and kick the door clean off its hinges. The smoke ambushes my body once I enter and in the distance I hear the little boy say, “Cover you mouth. What good would you be to me if you pass out?” Covering my mouth with my arm I made my way up the stairs. There was a diagonal pattern of picture frames on the wall. Each picture was of the children smiling and posing on various beaches and monuments. The boy that led me to the house was pictured in most of them. In this one it showed him at the Statue of Liberty with his sister making bunny ears on each other and sticking their sticking tongues out. One immature gesture complimented by another. This is the true illustration of innocence. They both remind me so much of my little sister, Serenity.
I proceeded up the stairs and enter the hallway with cerulean wallpaper. I approach the last door to the left and remember the little boy’s warning. “Hello? Um, hi, I’m here to save you. Your little son told me to that you were trapped up here. Hello?”
A little hole opened up from the door. Through the glass piece came an image of a giant eye. The person’s eye was magnified from the glass to make it look bigger than it actually was. A man’s voice came from the door, “What do you mean little?”
You have to be kidding me. “You son is a child. That’s what I meant by little. No hard feelings, sir. I just need you all to come out of the room so I can take you out of the house.” It started to get hot in the room that I was it, and I could tell the fire was making its way to my location.
“Well thank you, but we can’t leave…”
“What do you mean you can’t leave? Let’s go, the fire is about to come this way! We’ll all be torched alive.”
“Naïve boy! I mean we can’t leave because we are unable to leave. The door is stuck, and God knows I can’t open it.”
I felt so stupid. “Ok, step back please. Get away from the door.” I kicked down the door just like the first and saw three people in the room. One was the man I was speaking to. He was also a midget and he wore Bavarian styled overalls, a matching hat, and brown boots. He had a Mario and Luigi mustache to cap off his unusual style. There were also two women in the room with him. The older looking one must be his wife. She had long jet black hair that reached her waist. The daughter wore her black hair in pig-tails. Come to think about it, they all were wearing Bavaria styled clothing. The Luigi looking midget put one foot on the door, lifted his open palm adjacent to his face and said, “Welcome boy! It’s so nice of you to drop by.”
“Let’s go, you three. We need to get out of here before we get caught in the fire. I have to get all three of you out of here as quickly as possible. In order for me to do that I need to give one of you a piggy-back ride. As for the other two, hold my hand as we go down the stairs. Young lady in the pig-tails, step on the bed and hop on my shoulders.” The daughter crawled onto the bed and hopped onto my shoulders just as I requested. “Ok, now you two give me your hands,” I said reaching out to both parents. They gladly take my hand and I guide all of them down the smoke filled house. “Cover your mouths!” I reach the door and saw the silhouette of the little boy. Exiting the house I saw a plethora of mini fire trucks accompanied with mini firemen holding mini hoses. I drop the little girl safely on her feet and witness their family hug.
“Oh, I’m so glad you are ok Daniel! Thank you for getting us help,” the mother says to the little boy. So Daniel was his name after all. “You are so wonderful, Daniel. You are a true gift from God. This isn’t the first time you have come through for us, love.”
“This isn’t the first time?”
A fireman stops next to me and says, “The first time? You should try ninth time. This is their tenth house since moving here from Wisconsin. Yeah, they are just a bunch of clumsy motherfuckers. The father, Mr. Wellington, is a scientist here at Nain City. He actually was asked to live her. It was a government issued request. He’s the best at what he does he’s just clumsy as hell.”
Just as if my day couldn’t get weirder five cop cars pull up and I am greeted by a symphony of sirens and doors opening and slamming. Jeremy steps out of one of the vehicles. He’s wearing white bandages wrapped around his head and didn’t seem too happy to see me. Accompanying him was the same group of cops from the night before. Jeremy screams, “There that asshole is! He’s the one that torched this place.”
“Hey Jeremy,” I begun. “How you doin’ buddy? By the way, how on earth did you hurt your head. I don’t remember hitting you on the head. Hell, I don’t remember much from last night,” I said laughingly, knowing full and well I was lying.
Looking unimpressed Jeremy screams back, “When you kicked me last night, I fell to the floor and hit my head on the gravel! You are as good as dead, asshole!”
The fireman approached Jeremy. “Hold on a moment. What is the matter? This man didn’t commit any crimes. Yes it’s true that he is trespassing but he saved these three from the fire. He clearly doesn’t have anything against us. He isn’t trying to cause any trouble. I’m sure he just wants to go home to his family.” Jeremy looked shocked when he heard that I had risked my life in a fire to save three of his kind. For a moment I thought the fireman completely understood how I felt until he said, “However, he cannot go back home to his family even if he wanted to. Come on Jeremy, you remember the prophecy.”
The prophecy? “Hold on, why can’t I go home? And what the fuck is the prophecy? I didn’t realize I stepped into the fuckin’ Matrix, Morphious. I didn’t agree to shit.”
Ignoring my worried sense of humor the fireman continued reminding the other spectators about something. “Come on, you all haven’t forgotten, have you? The Sactuary of St. Jude? The prophecy mural in the church?” As if it were scripted the people all simultaneously omit a myriad of ow’s and ah’s in remembrance. “Exactly! That is why we can’t hurt him. Bishop Riley would kill us if anything happened to him. You know what to do.” I like that religious irony, Mr. Fireman.
Jeremy, now smiling, put his gun away and turned his attention to me and said, “Hey buddy, do you want to see Nain City?”
“Why the sudden change of heart, Jeremy? What’s going on?”
“I’ll explain on the way. Get in the back. By the way, what’s your name?”
“Stanley Lumbart.”
“Stanley? I’ll call you Lord Stanley.”
The vehicle must have been the size of a smart car, if not smaller. “Are you sure this car is big enough to fit me in it?”
“Trust me, you’ll be fine.” Jeremy turns to a fellow cop behind him, “Felicia, pull the sunroof back.”
As I sat in the car I felt absolutely ridiculous in every way, shape and form. I felt like those clowns from the circuses who stuffed their bodies into a car, almost resembling a Mexican bus ride. The worst part about the car ride was that my head shot out of the sun roof and I had two midgets sitting next me. There’s nothing wrong with midgets it’s just I couldn’t move and neither could they. Their bodies were slammed against the window and I’m sure one of them was dead and the other was quite clearly suffocating because I could hear him desperately gasping for air. “So what is this prophecy, Jeremy?”
Jeremy looked into the rear view mirror with his baby aviators, “Well, I don’t like to beat around the bush so I’m just going to say it. We believe that you are our God.” I began laughing hysterically. The hysterical laughter then quickly turned into coughing.
“I’m sorry, but did you say God?”
“Yes, we believe that you are the messiah that has come to salvage the people of Nain City and bring us everlasting peace, love and liberty.”
“Dude, I’m just a human being. I’m not a walking constitution.”
“No, listen. We believe that you are the messiah that has come here to give us political and capital enlightenment,” he begun. The sign on the side of the road said, Business District: 2 miles. “We believe you have come here to be the mediator between us and the other secret cities of this great country.”
“Secret cities?”
“Oh yes. The American people have been swayed to believe that our countries greatest secrets lie in Area 51, but our countries greatest secret actually resides in front of people’s noses. They would never expect to look there, unless of course they are a drunken idiot such as yourself.”
“Guilty as charged,” I reply.
“I’m joking. You aren’t an idiot, you’re our king. Your purpose is to contact each and every secret city in our country and ready an attack on the normal people of this country. We will no longer stand around and be forced into hiding by the United States Government. Enough is enough and you have come to help us. There are currently twenty-five secret cities in each state ready and armed. They have been waiting on us for quite some time now.”
“Why in the hell would I help you kill my own people, and why are these other cities waiting for you?” We finally enter the business district of the city. There are innumerable amounts of stores and restaurants on the street and everything was miniature. They had mini McDonald’s, mini Walgreen’s, mini Hilton’s, mini police departments, mini fire departments, a mini Eifel Tower and even mini churches. The sign read: Main Street. Figures as much.
“Because you have no choice. You fit the description of our messiah that has been here since the beginning of time. Each and every secret city has their own prophecy and once they find their own messiah they ready an army of soldiers and await for the next city to do the same. We are the last city to not have a messiah, and now that we found you we can initiate the next phase of our plan. We need you to ready us for the takeover.”
“Ok, hold on. This is all a little too much to take in at once. Look, I haven’t eaten in a while. Can you pull into this place right here please? I’m starving, you hungry Jeremy?” We pull into a miniature Wendy’s and immediately enter the drive-thru. “I’ll handle this Jeremy.”
He seemed confused. Nevertheless a woman’s voice came from the drive-thru speaker asking me, “Hello and welcome to Wendy’s! Can I take your order?”
“Umm, yes,” I begun. By the way, why the hell doe everyone say, “Umm, yes” before giving their order to a fast food drive-thru worker? I never quite understood that. “Can I have a twenty piece chicken nugget meal with fries and a coke? Give me some barbeque sauce with that too, I freakin’ love bbq. Oh, and let me get four kids’ meals for my little friends in here, but make sure they all get the toy with the kids’ meal.” Jeremy turned to me with a vicious stare and flipped me the birdie.
The woman obliged and Jeremy intercepted. “Actually, erase the four kids’ meal. Let me have four bacon double cheese burgers with extra ketchup and four Dr. Pepper’s. Make all those orders with biggie fries as well.”
“Biggie Fries, Jeremy? You sure you can handle those?”
Jeremy ignored the short remark and continued down the drive-thru to the pick-up window.
We ate our food off the trunk of Jeremy’s car in the Wendy’s parking lot. Though my hunger was slowly being satisfied, my curiosity still wasn’t. “So you say you need a messiah, huh,” I ask still chewing my nuggets.
“Yes we really do,” replied Jeremy. “Of course we aren’t using you. We truly believe you are our savior. You will be treated like a king. Anything you want, whenever you want it. No questions asked.”
“Ok, well the first order I have for you is to bring my sexy ass angel here. Her name is Paulina Stevens. She lives not too far from here. Just several miles out of Nain City.”
“We can’t do that,” Jeremy says with a mouthful of biggies. “Normal people aren’t allowed here. What if she wants to leave here one day? We can’t afford to take such a gamble. If our plan gets out, we’re fucked. And besides all normal girls are going to die as soon as you we take over. Why not find yourself a nice midget-chick?” I tensed up inside of the thought of that. The fat blonde cop across from me, who’s been eying up my crispy chicken nuggets ever since she devoured her bacon double cheeseburger in record-breaking time, gave me a seduction wink and shrugged her shoulders. Little Ms. Piggy still had ketchup slowly falling from her cheek to her lips and she licked it off in an attempt to arouse my interest.
That’s just nasty.
“Get real, Jeremy. Who am I supposed to screw then? You can’t tell me you’re not a Pamela Anderson fan.”
“She’s ok. I’m a big fan of Bridgett the Midget though. Now that’s some hot ass. I’d like to take her and just—”
“Ok, Jeremy I fuckin’ get it. Relax yourself, R. Kelly. I’m still eating,” I said chewing French fries. “Ok, so I’ll agree to be your messiah as long as you save me a hot normal chick while you’re exterminating the entire United States. Deal?”
Jeremy laughs. “Ok, you got yourself a deal. Hurry and finish your food. I have to take you somewhere important before I take you to your new home.”
Fifteen minutes later we arrive at this eerie looking place. It’s a cave with a countless amount of candles surrounding its entrance. What assisted the initial creepiness is when I saw eight men in brown, cult-like hoods exiting the church. They approach the car to greet us. One of the hooded men comes forward and drops his hood to show off his bald, shiny head. “Oh my lord,” he says. His eyelids widen greatly in astonishment. “Jeremy, you are excellent. Is this man the man I think he is? There is no other reason you would be bringing me a normal unless it was a good reason, correct?”
Jeremy proudly says, “Yes, Bishop Riley. This is indeed the man you think he is.”
As those words escaped Jeremy’s mouth, all eight of the robed men drop to their knees with one arm crossing their chests. What’s going on?
“The heavens shine down on us today, everyone. Our wonderful messiah has come to fulfill the prophecy and forever restore our dignity within the human race,” says the bald bishop.
“I know now what the prophecy is but I have no idea where you guys are getting your references from. Where are you getting this prophecy from? And why do you all strongly believe in it.”
“Oh yes! Of course, of course. You haven’t seen the chapel of St. Jude.”
“What chapel? All I see is a sketchy looking cave.”
“Inside the cave is a chapel. Come with me.”
The chapel was lit by candle light, as the outside was lit. The light from the candles reflected off the walls creating an illustrious yellow that filled the whole chapel. There were two sections of seating, each containing fifteen rows of fifteen seats. The chapel also had instruments and a golden podium that matched the light of the room. The chapel has a very cult-like ambience to it and it scares the living shit out of me. The bishop leads me down the center aisle pointing at the wall. “That is our reference, sir. It is a mural of a tall man guiding three smaller men out of a fire. If I am correct, you must have saved three people from a fire today, am I correct?” I shake my head in agreement. “Ah, so the prophecy says that a normal would walk through our grounds and save three people from a fire. That person is then supposed to lead us to the pinnacle and peak of our civilizations history. That person is supposed to help us take over the country. It would be a takeover of the ages. Also on each of the four corners of the chapel we found a letter. The letters arranged into D-I-O-S. Dios is God in Spanish. That in itself explains everything.”
“Ok, but what happens to all the messiahs after the takeover is successful?”
“We ship you all on vacation, simple as that. You’re free to come back anytime you please.”
“That sounds safe. And what of the people? What will their reaction of my arrival be?” I liked how my speech changed. I watch too much damn tv.
“I am not sure yet. The faithful church attendees will be on your side. The only concern I have is that we have been waiting for you for so long that the people grew restless. Some of them have forgotten our goal and they just want to continue living in the shadow of the world.”
“That sounds trouble-some but I will try to reassure the people and steer them back on track. Alright. I’m fully convinced as long as I get whatever I want and when I want it. Thank you for the explanation, Bishop. Jeremy, take me to my new home you were talking about.”
My new house was brand new. It was untouched and completely clean. It was gigantic and I could immediately tell they have been planning for the day a normal came into Nain City. It was quite weird if you ask me.
I ran straight to the bed and jump right on; temperpedic. These people know their shit.
Jeremy then claps his hands four times in an iambic pentameter and a countless amount of people come out of the next room, all Nain City natives. I sit up on my bed and laugh. This is insane. “Ok, I’m going to need you all to wear togas. And get grapes. A lot of grapes.”
Jeremy stepped forward, “But what about the takeover?”
“Easy, settle down Jeremy. Go out and see how many people are willing to follow me and give me the report tomorrow. We will pick things back up in the morning.
The next day came and I look at the clock. It reads six o’clock p.m. I slept through the morning and everyone was waiting around in togas, just as I had wished. A woman was standing next to my bed, grapes in hand, ready to feed me breakfast. Jeremy storms into the room and he stops to catch his breath. “Jeremy, what wrong?”
“We have two big problems on our hands. These are really big problems! The first one is the people have heard of your arrival. The faithful are outside your house rallying at the moment, but there are protesters and rioters picking fights with the faithful. The city is split in two! The other problem is there is an intruder! The surveillance unit has confirmed that it is a little girl. What should we do? We need your help.”
“Ok first off, gather all the faithful and get ready to kill all of those who oppose me. Arm every faithful with a gun and ready them for battle. Do I have a black ops unit?”
“Yes you do.”
“Send them in!” Three guys walk in dressed head to toe in black attire and I recognize them. “Snap! Krackle! Pop! What’s up guys? I didn’t know you were the black ops group!” They didn’t seem too excited to be there. “Go out and capture the girl. Bring her to me. I want her alive.” “Jeremy, go arm the men! I will not be defied.”
I sat on my bed and slowly watch the clock strike eleven o’ clock in my bed drinking wine and eating grapes. Jeremy sprints back in almost hitting the floor and says, “Sir, we’re ready whenever you want us to attack.”
“Attack at day break. Anyone who opposes will be killed and crushed.” Jeremy leaves without a word.
Snap comes through the door with a grin on his face. “We’ve got her, sir. The little devil was full of tricks. She quite the clever one, I must say.” Following Snaps entrance comes Krackle and Pop both holding a part of the girl. They drop her to her feet and her hair covers her face. My heart nearly skips when she looks up at me. It was my sister, Serenity!
She took one look at me and screamed, “Stanley! I’ve been looking all over for you!” She charges the bed gives me a hug.
“Snap, Krackle, Pop, leave. You’re dismissed. Go back to your posts.” They exit and I ask Serenity, “How did you know where to find me?”
“This Paulina girl came to our house and told us she saw your car crash near here. She actually told mom and dad but they didn’t seem too interested. So that’s why I came to save you. I want you to come back home, Stanley. I miss you. I love you. I know that the only reason you considered staying here was because you didn’t feel wanted at home. This place made you feel like you are wanted and I understand why you are so drawn to it. But I still love you. Forget mom and dad, you can just hang out with me. I don’t care about your drinking problem. I don’t care if you were responsible for Hope and Bliss’s death. You are my brother and the only sibling I have left. Please come home, Stanley!”
Tears welled from my eyes and I grabbed her shirt tightly. A wave of morose and happiness washed over me and I knew what I had to do. I have a responsibility as an older brother before anything else. She needs me way more than these people need me. “Ok, Serenity. I will come home with you. Let’s go.” I took off my toga and put on my normal street attire without hesitation. My clothes still reek of cheap booze and alcohol. I grab Serenity’s hand and we ran out to the main road. The place was empty because the faithful were rallying with Jeremy, for the next day. “How is my sweet and beautiful Paulina?”
Serenity laughs with a sense of cynical satire and says, “Paulina? That Cow? She’s nice and all but she’s so fat. You could take chucks from her and make another person! Hahaha. Please tell me we are talking about different Paulinas.”
“I’m afraid she’s the only one I know.” I began to blush because Serenity continued to laugh at me.
“That’s what you get for drinking like crazy, Stanley.” She was right. God I need to stop drinking so damn much. I’m going to try and give up alcohol all together.
We crossed the street and saw a man in a car that greeted me, “Lord Stanley! How are you tonight?”
“I’m in a hurry, I need your car!” I take the keys from his hands and place Serenity into the back of the car. “I’m sorry the car is so small, Serenity.” She chuckled.
The man waved happily from the curb, “You’re such a nice man.” Jesus Christ. These people who believe in me are fuckin’ fools.
I drove the car successfully out of the business district and into the wilderness of Nain City. Pave road turned into country dirt roads. I began to speed up when I saw the exit ahead but three small dark figures jumped from the trees and I slammed on the brakes. Snap steps forward and says, “Halt! Who go’s there?” He chuckles at his own failed attempt at humor. The others join in. “Who are you, and what is your business for leaving?”
I turn to the back seat of the car, “Serenity, cover your eyes please.” She obeys. And I floor it through the country road hitting all three Krispie brothers in the process. We hit the street and made our way home finally.
Serenity wraps her arms around me from the backseat, “I love you, Stanley. Thank you for coming home with me.”
A week later I awoke from my deep slumber to my sister at my bedroom door. “Wake up, silly. Today is the day you are taking me to the Bronx Zoo and the Museum of Modern Art. We can’t be late.”
I rise from my bed and make my way down the stairs. I kiss my parents good morning and make my way to the kitchen counter to fix myself some cereal. Ironically I had a bowl of Lucky Charms. My sister, eager as ever and fully prepared, went to go watch Spongebob Square-pants in the living room. My mother, sipping her coffee as she always does, says, “Stanley, the newspaper is on the table just the way you like it.”
My father exits the bathroom and says, “Yeah, and today’s top story article is insane. I think you’ll get a kick out of that,” he says while adjusting his tie. My parents have been nicer to me ever since I decided to go to rehab. Dr. Winehouse has been a big help for the last week. I sat down at the table with my bowl of lucky blissfulness in hand. I pull out the front pages of the newspaper from its translucent blue sleeve and read the title page out loud. “Midget City Civil War. Secret cities around the country plot an onslaught of attacks against the people of the United States. U.S. government gets involved, shutting down these secret locations and stopping the civil war at its root.” My heart stops and I begin to sweat profusely.
My mother looks at me and says, “That wasn’t too far from us, you know. Oh God, what is the world coming to?”
I regained composure and began breathing regularly once again. Alcohol really is dangerous after all.
